The Ultimate Zelda Fic
by PhantomMonkey
Summary: Ganondorf is back again, and Link must save the day. Except it's much different this time... Likely one of my best. Read and review! Finished!
1. And so it begins again

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda.  
  
Zelda: Darn tootin'!  
  
A/N: This fic takes place in the time of the Wind Waker.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~  
  
((at Link's house, a week after the defeat of Ganondorf, Link is sitting on his bed))  
  
Link: Hm. I dunno about Ganondorf. He wanted everything to be so...evil. And he almost made it that way, too. But now that I stuck a sword through his head and turned him to stone, I pity him. Maybe he was just misunderstood. Maybe he had a rough childhood, out on the streets, perhaps. Or maybe he was really rasied by wolves. What do you think, Mr. Foofy?  
  
((he squeezes a rubber duckie))  
  
Link: You could be right. Anyway, I feel kinda bad. I think I'll call him about it and say I'm sorry. Then he might change his mind about being, well, evil.  
  
((he goes to the phone book))  
  
Link: Let's see...Ganonbarf, Ganondork, aha! Ganondorf! ...Funny, those last three names had the same phone number. Oh well. (dials 555-THE- ULTIMATE-POWER)  
  
((at Ganondorf's house))  
  
Phone: Ring ring!  
  
Ganondorf: (sitting on a chair, watching the football game) TOUCHDOWN!!!  
  
((he does several cartwheels around the room))  
  
Phone: Ring ring!  
  
Ganondorf: Alright, alright, I'm coming, hold your horses! (stops) Why was I talking to the phone? Why am I talking to myself? ...Oh well. No one will ever know.  
  
Tetra: (hiding behind a sofa with a tape recorder) Hee hee.  
  
((Ganondorf picks up the phone))  
  
Ganondorf: Y'ello.  
  
Link: It's me, Link.  
  
Ganondorf: Link?  
  
Link: Yup. Surprised?  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah. You have a phone?  
  
Link: Hm, I guess I do.  
  
Ganondorf: Well, why'd you call? I'm watchin' a game here!  
  
Link: Cool! Is it a fun game?  
  
Ganondorf: Is this about that math page for homework?  
  
Link: Ganondorf, that was three years ago.  
  
Ganondorf: ...Oh yeah.  
  
Link: Well, I just called to say I'm sorry for sticking a sword through your forehead thus causing you to turn to stone.  
  
Ganondorf: Well you should be! That was painful.  
  
Link: But you're obviously fine...somehow...  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, but still! I had a migraine for two days! Plus I had an itch on my tummy I couldn't scratch.  
  
((pause))  
  
Link: It would be great if you said, "I'll never be evil again" or something.  
  
Ganondorf: (staring at the TV) Uh-huh.  
  
((silence))  
  
Link: ...grrr...SWEAR THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE EVIL AGAIN!!!  
  
Ganondorf: And why would I want to do that?  
  
Link: Oh believe me, you want to.  
  
Ganondorf: Fine, just don't hurt me! Ok, I swear never to be evil again.  
  
TV: ...and the Moblins just lost the game, five to zero.  
  
Ganondorf: WHAT?! Boy, this makes me wanna be...(turns into Ganon) eeeviiil.  
  
Link: (sarcastic) Well that's great.  
  
Ganon: BWAHAHAHAHA!! Now all of earth's citizens shall be under my control!  
  
Link: And just how're you gonna do that, Einstein?  
  
Ganon: Easy! Take over the world!  
  
Link: (slaps forehead)  
  
Ganon: I must now go and do evil! Ta-ta! *click*  
  
Link: That went real well. Bye Mr. Foofy. I have to go save the world again.  
  
Mr. Foofy: Squeaky!  
  
Link: Hey, how'd you do squeak?  
  
Mr. Foofy: You squeezed me. Duh.  
  
Link: Oh right. Well, bye Grandma! I have to go beat up an awesomely powerful and scary monster!  
  
Grandma: Ok, but be safe! And come home by dinnertime!  
  
Aryll: Goodbye, Big Brother!  
  
Link: I have a name, you know.  
  
Aryll: Oh yeah! It's...um...*slam*  
  
Link: (outside, sniffs the great outdoor air) Sniiiiifff--*cough* *hack* Stupid gas station right next door!  
  
((he walks to the docks--cool, that rhymed--to the King of Red Lions, who is sucking a taco through a straw))  
  
Both: ...  
  
King of Red Lions: Sluuuuuuurrrrrp...GASP...sluuuuuurr--  
  
Link: DAPHNES!!!  
  
King: WAH!! DON'T BEAT ME UP!!! ...Oh. It's just you.  
  
Link: I need to know where Ganondorf is!  
  
SFX: Bum-bum-BUMMM...  
  
Link: (shoots an arrow)  
  
SFX Guy: *fwoop* OW!! *thunk*  
  
All: ...(seagulls caw)  
  
King: ...Anyway, why do you always assume that I know where Ganondorf is?  
  
Link: Uh, 'cause you always DO know where Ganondorf is.  
  
King: True.  
  
Link: ...That's a bit of a plot hole.  
  
King: Dude, this entire story is a plot-hole.  
  
Link: Makes sense. All of Eddy's fics are.  
  
King: In order to get to Ganondorf, we must first go to...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~  
  
Eddy: Ooh, a cliffhanger. Scary. Short chapter, too. Well, as a note, I'm not gonna add too many more chapters, 'cause I'm not too good at continuing stories for very long. Anyway, I'm off for now! 


	2. In the search for losers

Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
Makar: That wasn't funny.  
  
Eddy: And why would it need to be funny?  
  
Makar: This is a humor fic.  
  
Eddy: ...Wait, what are you doing here anyway?  
  
Makar: Why not? Don't you like me?  
  
Eddy: You're slow, you're annoying, you're stupid.  
  
Makar: So...?  
  
Eddy: No, I don't like you.  
  
Makar: ......I don't want to be your friend anymore.  
  
Eddy: ...Anyway, let the fanfic begin! Er, I mean the chapter...ah, just read.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~  
  
King of Red Lions: ...the Forsaken Fortress!  
  
Link: What?  
  
King: We have to go to the Forsaken Fortress. Eddie ended the last chapter in mid-sentence.  
  
Link: Oh yeah, I remember now.  
  
Random Passerby: Chapter? What chapter? Like in a book? And why is that kid wearing a dress? Why does the kid have a sword? Why does his boat have a head? Why is the kid talking to his boat? Why am I talking to myself? Why-- (falls down a hole)  
  
Link: That was random.  
  
King: Anyway, let us go!  
  
Link: Aye aye, Cap'n--oh wait, I'm the captain, and you're the lowly boat.  
  
King: I am captain.  
  
Link: Oh yeah?  
  
King: (grins, displaying a thousand sharp pointy teeth) Yeah.  
  
Link: (takes out fire arrows) Oh yeah?  
  
King: (sucks up some water, then spits it out on arrows) Yeah.  
  
Link: (gets out his sword) Oh yeah?  
  
King: ...You win.  
  
((on the deep blue sea))  
  
Link:...Say, why do we have to go to the Forsaken Fortress?  
  
King: Uh, that's where Ganon lives.  
  
Link: Right.  
  
((pause))  
  
Link: ...What's the Forsaken Fortress again?  
  
-[at the Forsaken Fortress]-  
  
Link: Wait! He's not here! He left to do evil a long time ago!  
  
King But criminals always return to the scene of the crime.  
  
Link: What crime did he do in his house?  
  
((shows a scene with Ganondorf on his couch))  
  
Ganondorf: Ah, grape juice...  
  
((he spills it on the white carpet))  
  
Ganondorf: (dramatic music) Muhahaha, HAhahaha, (throws his head back and laughs) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
((back to the present))  
  
Link: I see.  
  
King: Now go, my minion!...Muhahaha, HAhahaha, (throws head back and laughs) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
((crickets))  
  
Link: ......(backs away slowly, turns around and runs)  
  
King: What?! ...Ooh, a bug! (hacks a loogey on it)  
  
((meanwhile, at the boat-house))  
  
Ganondorf: (walks in with stain-remover) Before I continue doing evil stuff, I really should clean up this grape-juice stain.  
  
((meanwhile, Link is inside the Fortress with his telescope))  
  
Link: Look! Monsters up ahead!  
  
Link: (gets to the monsters and kills them with his sword) Huah, huah, HUAH!  
  
((at the boat-house))  
  
Ganondorf: (gets to the stain and sprays it with stain remover) Huah, huah, HUAH!  
  
((on shore))  
  
King of Red Lions: (listening to headphones) Wouldja look me in the eye, and tell me that you're happy now, yeah-eah-eah-eah...  
  
((at the door to the boat-house a while later))  
  
Link: (knocks on door)  
  
Ganondorf: Who is it?  
  
((Link literally runs through the closed doors))  
  
Ganondorf: My beautiful oak doors!  
  
Link: Funny, tasted more like maple.  
  
Ganondorf: So the fiends lied! I'll...I'll sue them!  
  
Link: ......*cough* Ganondorf, stop your evil ways!  
  
Ganondorf: I'm just cleaning up this grape juice stain...still.  
  
Link: Well in that case, you may continue.  
  
((a minute later))  
  
Ganondorf: Done! You can beat me up now! --I mean--  
  
Link: Prepare to die again! (charges at Ganondorf)  
  
((camera zooms out on the Forsaken Fortress))  
  
SFX: *slap*  
  
Ganondorf: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH...!!!  
  
((camera zooms back))  
  
Both: ......  
  
Ganondorf: ...Why'd you slap me?  
  
Link: I dunno. Seemed like the funniest thing to do.  
  
Ganondorf: Well, it wasn't.  
  
Eddie: God, I hate you now!  
  
Ganondorf: ...Anyway, there's somewhere I have to go to. Bye-bye!  
  
Link: Ok, see you later!  
  
((later))  
  
((Link is watching TV in the boat-house))  
  
TV: We interrupt this episode of Barney for a special news bulletin.  
  
Link: What?! No!  
  
TV: There has been reported that a person only known as Ganon has been doing things that are not nice. On Outset Isle, distressed parents noticed Ganon stealing candy from their babies. Why the babies have candy in the first place is anyone's guess, but these actions are identified as robbery. Ganon has also been spotted dropping the candy wrappers on the ground, without bothering to place them in a convenient garbage dispenser. This, too, is illegal. And yet no one dares to confront him on these issues, as he scares the living daylights out of everyone. If your name is Link and you have a big sword, everyone would appreciate it if you would kindly kick his fat arse. Thank you. We now return to the regular program. (switches back to Barney)  
  
Link: Oops.  
  
-[at the entrance]-  
  
King of Red Lions: You let him leave?!  
  
Link: Yeah. That's bad...right?  
  
King: Get in, you stupid little boy.  
  
((Link climbs aboard))  
  
King: Great. Now we have to go ALL the way back to--  
  
Link: --Wait, why don't I just use the Sing of Cyclones?  
  
((pause))  
  
King: Idiot! Why didn't you think of that before?  
  
((Link plays the song on his Wind Waker))  
  
Map: Where would you like to go to?  
  
Link: (sarcastic) The Bahamas.  
  
Map: I'm sorry, there is no "Bahamas" on this map.  
  
Link: We wanna go to Outset, you worthless pile of droppings.  
  
Map: I'm sorry, there is no "Worthless Pile of Droppings" on this map.  
  
Link: OUT--SET--ISLE!!  
  
Map: I'm sorry, there is no "Set Isle" on this--  
  
((Link rips up the map))  
  
Link: Actually, why don 't we go the long way and enjoy the scenery.  
  
((pause))  
  
King: Idiot! Why didn't you think of that before?  
  
-[back on Outset]-  
  
Link: (flag flutters in the background, heroic music plays) Now, I must find and defeat the evil fiend only known as Ganon. For if I fail, the world will be enveloped in darkness, and all shall be doomed! There fore, I must not fail. But if I do, it will not be in vain, for I shall try better than my best, in order to defeat the evil that once again threatens this earth! I must do it for my family, my friends, and our country!  
  
((crickets))  
  
Link: ...But first, the restroom. (waddles off))  
  
((a minute later))  
  
Link: (steps out of the bathroom and starts singing)  
  
IIIIIIIIII'm  
  
Comin' out  
  
So you'd better get he party started  
  
Get the party started on a Saturday night  
  
Get the par--  
  
King: SHUT UP AND FIND GANON!!  
  
Link: Righto! (runs like Velma from Scooby Doo)  
  
((on the lookout tower))  
  
Link: (looking through his telescope) Let's see...I need to look for something big and blue...Aha! Wait, no, that's the sky.  
  
((a person screams))  
  
Link: (looks down) There he is! He's taking away that man's cheese sandwich! What a stupid thing to do!  
  
((he jumps off the tower))  
  
Link: WAAAAAAHH--*thunk* ow. Anyway--(walks toward Ganon) Hm, Ganon looks pretty...well...mad. But I've got something that just might work...  
  
((a few yards away))  
  
Man: No! You can have my cheese sandwich, but not my snack-size Pringles!  
  
Ganon: Ooh look, it's sour cream and onion too. My favorite.  
  
Man: Please, I beg of you! Have mercy!  
  
((Link sneaks up behind them and puts something on Ganon's finger))  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~  
  
Eddy: Yup, that's the end of this chapter. I know it's a really bad cliffhanger, but I wanna drag out the story into at least three chapters. And if you guess correctly what Link put on Ganon's finger in a review, you win!  
  
((pause))  
  
Makar: ...Win what?  
  
Eddy: The privilege of being the winner!  
  
Makar: Figures.  
  
Eddy: Anway, I'll be off! And don't forget to review! 


	3. Rings and Rhyming

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in any of my fics. This should clear up everything but nooooo, I have to write this same stupid disclaimer in all of my--  
  
Medli: Hey Eddie.  
  
Eddie: Yeah...?  
  
Medli: Shut up.  
  
Eddie: Well, I'll just get started on this chapter now.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~  
  
((Link put something on Ganon's finger))  
  
Link: What're you gonna do now?  
  
Ganon: What?! No, not a finger trap!  
  
SFX: Bum-bum-BUMMM...  
  
A/N: Congratulations to the person who guessed Finger Trap in reviews. I read my reviews, and I know who it was.  
  
Link: Yes, a finger trap! And my finger is on the other end, too!  
  
Ganon: Inconceivable!  
  
Link: Go ahead, pull on my finger...trap.  
  
Ganon: (pulls)  
  
Link: (farts)  
  
Ganon: No! This cannot be!  
  
Link: Ahahahaha! Now, whenever you pull, I fart! And you cannot escape its wretched stench!  
  
Ganon: *sniff* Whoa, it does smell bad.  
  
Man: No! My cheese sandwich has melted!  
  
Ganon: Wait...(turns back into Ganondorf, takes out sword, and slices the finger trap in half)  
  
Link: Blast! I didn't think about that!  
  
Ganondorf: That's 'cause you're not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.  
  
Link: But I'm not a tool. I'm a fairy boy.  
  
Ganondorf: (puts hand to forehead)  
  
Link: But no matter. For shall still defeat you once and for all!  
  
Ganondorf: Odd...in Zelda games I always meet my demise that way.  
  
Link: BUT, this isn't a game.  
  
Ganondorf: True. And...(wields swords) there's no time for games.  
  
Link: (takes out Master sword) Bring it.  
  
((Ganondorf charges at Link. Link braces himself and readies his sword))  
  
Ganondorf: GAAAAAAAAAHHHhhhhhhhh.  
  
((the two just stand there))  
  
Ganondorf: ...Actually, in this particular story, there is no need for blood and gore.  
  
Link: Says the guy who violently tried to kill me...a number of times...  
  
Ganondorf: But why don't we keep this fic G-rated and...uh...(thinks)...arm- wrestle!  
  
Camera: (moves to Link, then Ganondorf, then Link again)  
  
Link: ...No fair.  
  
Tetra: (walks up eating an apple) Hey guys. I've been looking for you, Ganondorf.  
  
Link: (anime tears) Why not me...?  
  
Ganondorf: As long as you don't have any light arrows, what is it?  
  
Tetra: Here. (puts something on the end of Ganondorf's finger)  
  
SFX: Bum-bum-BUMMM...  
  
Link: Deja-vu.  
  
Eddie: That's the point.  
  
Link: ...Oh.  
  
Ganondorf: ...It's--  
  
Link: NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING!!!  
  
Tetra: Uh, no.  
  
Ganondorf: ...It's...  
  
((pause))  
  
Link: ...While we're young.  
  
Ganondorf: The One Ring to Rule Them All!  
  
SFX: (again) Bum-bum-BUMMM...  
  
Tetra: You can keep that.  
  
Ganondorf: Gee, thanks! Golly, I'll have so much fun with this! Hyuck hyuck!  
  
Link/Tetra: ...  
  
Ganondorf: (skips off, spray-painting every wall he passes)  
  
Link: ...Why'd you give him that?  
  
Tetra: You'll see.  
  
((long silence; Ganondorf is still skipping around))  
  
Ganondorf: Lalalalala--ow! Hey! Beat it, you stupid seagulls!  
  
Link: ...See what?  
  
Tetra: Shh!  
  
((Ganondorf is now putting the ring on a necklace))  
  
Ganondorf: There, little guy! Now you have a home!  
  
Link: ...I see nothing.  
  
Tetra: Keep watching!  
  
((another pause, then...))  
  
Ganondorf: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird!  
  
Link: It's a plane!  
  
Tetra: They're Ringwraiths, stupid.  
  
((a bunch of Ringwraiths on dragon-like creatures circle around like buzzards, then drop to the ground))  
  
Link: I see dead people.  
  
Ringwraith 1: (creepy voice) ...Ganondorf...  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah?  
  
Ringwraith 2: ...Give us the Ring...  
  
Ganondorf: You mean this one?  
  
Ringwraith 3: ...Yes...  
  
Ganondorf: Why?  
  
((long pause))  
  
Ringwraith 2: ...Because...we want it...  
  
Ganondorf: I know, but why?  
  
((another pause))  
  
Ringwraith: 4: ...Don't ask questions...  
  
Ringwraith 2: ...Give us the Ring...  
  
Ganonodorf: Never!  
  
Ringwraith 4: ...Suit...yourself...  
  
((the Ringwraiths tackle him and proceed to beat him up))  
  
Tetra: I sure wish I had some popcorn right about now.  
  
Link: I have some of Grandma's soup...  
  
Tetra: No, it's ok.  
  
Link: Darn.  
  
Tetra: Hm?  
  
Link: I mean, ok.  
  
Tetra: Ok.  
  
((awkward silence))  
  
Link: ...Will you be my girlfriend?  
  
Tetra: ......  
  
-[meanwhile, at Link's house]-  
  
Grandma: Now where could he be?  
  
Aryll: Beats me.  
  
Grandma: That rhymed.  
  
Aryll: I found a dime.  
  
Grandma: I like lime.  
  
-[back to Link, Tetra, Ganondorf, and the Ringwraiths]-  
  
((The Ringwraiths are still beating up Ganonodorf; Tetra has scooted far away from Link, who is drinking his soup in long swigs))  
  
Ringwraith: ...Now that we defeated Ganondorf...let us take the ring...  
  
((a Ringwraith takes the One Ring off the tip off Ganondorf's neck extremely slowly))  
  
All: ............................................................................ ................  
  
Ringwraith 2: ...I have the Ring...let us go...  
  
((they go on their dragon-creatures and fly away; thunder))  
  
Tetra: Well, that little problem took care of itself.  
  
Link: What do you mean? The Ringwraiths will give the Ring to Sauron who will take over Middle Earth!  
  
Tetra: But I--oops.  
  
Link: Didn't think about that, huh?  
  
Tetra: No. That's really ironic.  
  
Link: Oh well. Only a few thousand lives should be lost in trying to take the Ring back.  
  
Tetra: ...Say, if that place is called Middle-Earth, are we Lower-Earth or something?  
  
Link: Um, no. We're Hyrule.  
  
Tetra: ...Oh yeah. Well, at least I'm not the princess or anything, otherwise Hyrule would be in trouble.  
  
Link: .....  
  
Ganondorf: Ungh...(gets up) I still have enough power to *urk* control the world...So (takes out swords) Have at thee!  
  
Tetra: We'll see about that...(takes out tape recorder)  
  
Tape Recorder: "Alright, alright, I'm coming. ...Why am I talking to the phone? Why am I talking to myself? ...Oh well. No one will ever know."  
  
Ganondorf: No...  
  
Tetra: If you try to take over the world, I'll make copies of this and sell it on EBay.  
  
Ganondorf: Alright, alright, you win! ...For now! Muhahahaha, Ahahahaha, (throws head back and laughs) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
((crickets))  
  
Ganondorf: Adios, los losers! (disappears in a puff of smoke)  
  
Link: Well, you're a loser too.  
  
Tetra: Link, he's gone.  
  
Link: ...Oh.  
  
((awkward silence))  
  
Link: ...Tetra, will you marry me?  
  
-[at Link's house]-  
  
Grandma: The roof is covered in slime.  
  
Aryll: But will we still dine?  
  
Grandma: Yes.  
  
Aryll: Sublime!  
  
Link: (comes in with a black eye) Hi Grandma.  
  
Grandma: Hello, dear--  
  
Aryll: I have chalk to smear.  
  
Grandma: Well, don't smear it here.  
  
Aryll: Please don't leer.  
  
THE END  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~  
  
Eddie: Not the best ending but so what. Yeah, this fic is only three chapters, but do I care?  
  
Makar: Yes!  
  
Eddie: No.  
  
Makar: I was close.  
  
Eddie: ...Anyway, that be all. Sayonara, and REVIEW!! 


End file.
